Friday, June 27, 2008

it's amazing how i'm still feeling horrible, how i'm still thinking of her.
everything around me is still the same, i still go to school, lessons, exams, i still feel small standing beside the sea but it just isnt the same at all.
i go to bed every night thinking what had i done wrong and i realized i've been having these dreams about her, everytime i wake up trying to grab on to you and there is nothing there. Me covered in cold sweat, sometimes in tears, just being disillusional. turns out she wasnt in love with me like i thought.
i really want to tell someone about what's happening, but i have no one. i have friends but i always felt alone, maybe i'm ashamed or i just hate myself for what's happened that i couldnt even bring myself to tell anyone, not even the closest of friends.
after the break up, i looked at my phone more, thinking if i should sms her, hoping it would ring and see her message.
i remember everything that happened, everywhere we went everything we did. i really regret not having any pictures at all, the memories alone makes it feel so much worst.
i remember that funny dinner at that restaurant, we had dinner in silence and i tried to feed her.
she had the greatest smile, a face meant to smile i told her. i'd always walk her to the gate and looked at her, watched her walk in and stare at the gate for a while before leaving.
it always feels weird. this feeling everything i'm near her. and even weirder that my heart raced everytime our hands touched, no brushed each other. and that little hug that night alone felt like everything. no one would ever give me that feeling again.
all that's left now is the memories. this painful feeling deep inside.

it's strange that i would cry over movies, sometimes i'd cry in the night. many times people say things that makes me think of her.
everytime i'm on the bus and it passes her house, i'd look longingly, foolishly thinking i might catch a glimpse of her.
it's weird that people all would say time heals all wounds. because it seems at though the length of time just tramples on me even more. like it and everything else is mocking me.
now i'm left alone.
you know my birthday just passed and the only thing i was hoping for was an sms. but it never came.
yup i'm officially alone.