today while i was doing my math papers i kept thinking about something.
i came to a realisation.

even though you might be over me, you might have stopped thinking of me and you now even have no reason to avoid me, i'll never forget you. i can never stop the longing for you. my heart just refuse to. my mind has stopped trying.

i still love you. but i wont let it interfere with my life. i'll just keep you close to my heart(:

i realized the only memory of you now are the movie tickets in my wallet. that's all that's left. i changed my phone so no more messages. i even lost the sweet messages i sent to you and was going to send to you.

it's so sad we didnt even take any photos.
haha well there's no proof that we were once together so you have all the right to deny.ha ha.

hope you're happy(: really.

hmm cant believe it. after all this while i still feel weak looking at her.
oh god can you just take it away. you've taken many things away from me why can you just take these feelings away?
i need help.
help me?

and talking to huiping about it just killed me again. can imagine doctors using the deflebrator to resuscitate me. *clear!* zap! and here i am again.

hmm today was quite a productive day revised the whole of stats hope things will be alright(:
working towards the As is really hard and i really mean As i wanna get As not Bs As for my subjects!
press on
dont give up
not now not after all this pain
do my best and show them(:
jiayou everyone(:

today's the school song recording.

went to school in the morning with only 2 hours of sleep to do the econs test. haha had a really wild night. anyway was suppose to do 3 essays for miss hazel's test but i only did 2. mind drained. and i think i did quite a good job on at least one of it haha 5 pages long not bad i must say(: then went to meet huiping for lunch with debbie too before choir started. haha!

i was tired and unfocused! needed sleep hahah!
well ben then came to join us and we had lunch.
choir practice after was okay haha i realised the choir is going backwards they are not improving at all haha in my opinion anyway.

we took a bus to the studio haha and on the way there it's the return of the oldies. the j1s were singing oldies. gosh! heal the world was the most repeated one. " there are people dying" haha hearing it more makes me depressed.

well we reached the recording studio and went straight to work. we were supposed to do two versions of the school song. one with the band and another with the piano.
we went in and rehearsed the song with the band's recording. it was then i realised i felt really uncomfortable there. my head was spinning and i felt really breatheless at first i thought it was the lack of sleep, but then one i'm out of the room i felt better. well the recording went on and on and we managed to finish the school song with the band's recording.
next was the piano one. haha the pianist was good. we had a good first take with a few mistakes, but as we progressed on we all felt drained and the standards dropped drastically. people were all unfocused and wrong notes everywhere.

hmm i kinda hate miss eunice. she never listens to what i have to say, kinda irritates me somewhat la. i think she thinks what i'm saying is bullshit or something haha! nevermind there wont be a need to talk to her anymore . that's one of the reasons i never talk to her about how i'm feeling in choir and stuff. "we're here for you" my foot, miss hazel's a better listener.
anyway after today i found out that i'm mildly claustrophobic haha! no other reason for it
we finished the recording finally at around 6.

we went back to school and me debbie and mushi left for dinner.
we went to bishan and ate, tagged along with debbie when she went to find a box for her friend's presents. haha! i got her to make potato salad for me! heehee!(: cool good food on tuesday!(:

i think sometimes people gotta realised who they treat as their friends. and realised that you dont have to do or act in a particular way as the crowd. it's kinda hypocratical after a while. one of the things i dont like. realise that you are special for who you are and not what you are becoming. <-- haha just a random thought nothing meant:P

heys
just had dinner with my parents at chomp chomp. haha was thinking about econs la. so obvious inflation causes price of stuff to increase but they also shrink the size.. haha
my family had to have 2 servings of almost everything when we used to have 1.
haha well yesterday was a full moon.
weird things happen on a full moon. weird things happen to me anyway haha!
i sank into a zen state of emo-ness.
was watching tv then i set this timer on the tv so that it will switch off on it own. yea but i was feeling really emo then i just sat there blankly thinking.
then the tv switch off and i still stood there blankly.
haha i think i was for quite somewhile until someone sms me.
hmm need to set my mind straight la. damn.

about 70 days to As and so totally unprepared.
today was a really tiring day.
went to school early in the morning with an empty stomach heh heh(: anyway yup 8am to take the math mock paper 1
so tiring cant do quite a few questions and didnt continue the complex numbers and vectors questions just havent studied them at all.
i think paper 2's coming soon dunno when but it'll kill me too haha didnt do any stats tutorials the WHOLE YEAR haha wonder how i survived the midyears

well next was econs timed practice.
case studies. we had to do two case studies.
it was really tiring. had to force myself even to lift up the pen. lesson learnt: never go to an exam with an empty stomach.
finish the 1st case but didnt do the last question properly coz i went into it with a wrong perception of the question wrote totally out of point.
felt too tired to continue the second one haha so i just gave up(:

when the case study ended it was already around 230 haha so freaking hungry la. went to the coffee shop to eat and saw suk lum and her friend there. gobbled up my food and then went straight back to school for consultation.
so that's about 3 hours of econs consultations we analyzed each member of the group's essay and find they good points and bad points. need to link up more. lazy brain! i scored the lowest in the group.
then we talk about social stuff like Sg's policy to appreciate the currency. haha good and bad too LR SR. woah haha quite interesting la. and funny how some people manage to memorize so many definitions and another all the figures in the papers haha!

lessons ended and helped miss hazel carry her stuff down. then she was telling me" must work hard you know, you can do it, dont give up yea"
with those words came a sudden sense of guilt. why didnt i finish doing up the case study sighs.

super tiring day la. super tiring day.
i hope i can make it for the As.
wondering how you're doing now..

LOL i had this really strange and weird dream. the funny part is i cant remember a huge chunk of it.
argh! my mind is really useless, no will power no brain power. cant even remember a dream. haha
well what i remember was i was with a girl in school and she was crying. the weird part is it's in my primary school. the school look deserted, quiet and ghostly. the girl was trembling and i did a stupid thing, i leaned over and kiss her, i hugged her. once again owing to my weak mind i cant remember the face.
i wonder what does this mean. sighs. weird dream.
just a few days back, i dreamt i took a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. but when i see the body on the floor it wasnt me. damn am i weird.
premunition? or just my mind playing tricks on me
(: well officially 77 days to As. the stress has set in already and i realised i'm still ill prepared. how? did 1 physics MCQ, a few math topics a few questions and 3 econs essay.
i'm too slow. i need to study faster! didnt meet my 10 essay quota this weekend sighs.
this week. aimed to finish studying for math and do at least 5 econs essay(: hope i can make it
jiayou everyone.
jiayou you(: