you know. i'm not as strong as everyone thinks i am.
till now i still cant get over it. i mean yes exams are on and there are more important things to do then sit around thinking bout her but that's what i do. this midyears i'm really gonna suck at it.
i mean i'd do pretty well for a guy who had a broken heart about a week before exams. and what's worst is she doesnt seem too disturbed by it.
i wonder if she misses me.
well i know who's so good about chocolates already. it's like a drug. after you take it, you feel happier, a change of perspective. give it a few hours and you're thrown back to how you felt, feeling the impact 10 times worst. i think i'm better off finishing the vodka in my cupboard.
i did the weirdest thing today. i didnt study at all for the case study exam tomorrow. 2hr 15mins paper probably able to help me pass econs.
i'm just a guy, i dont want to grow up. i want to be able to be sad and feel sad with no repercussions in life. i hate it when people tell me the truth, that i need to get over it.
perhaps i dont want to.
perhaps..

i was overwhelmed by dejection when i woke up. i had a really strange dream last night.
well the thing is yesterday i went out with my god sis and mervyn for dinner and supposedly to study. and then over cake at cafe cartel we just sort of talked about music. the usual stuff, choir, singing and stuff. yea and it got me thinking that maybe my dreams are stupid. i mean i cant possibly achieve it, can i?
well on the bus ride home i happened to chance upon a song by Andrea Bocelli, because we believe. it was totally out of the ordinary and coincidental. the song was inspirational and a moral uplifter. it talks about things like you know if you believe, it can be achieved. i mean what a time for such a song when i'm feeling down and dejected.
well watched tv series online and i got addicted to it. I was watching House, that doctor tv serial. yea anyway then i got to sleep at around 5am in the morning. haha stupid internet connection.
oh back to my dream. i dreamt about all the things i need to do to get to what i want. i dreamt about how i need friends who can sing and are talented in music, i need to engage myself in more musical activities like concerts and performances. i need to actually know music. it's all so difficult. oh and i dreamt about chocolates. weird
hahah! well i'm here now. i think i'm feeling okay again. back to watching my shows la becaue i dont really feel like studying econs. well tip externalities might come out. i "analyzed" the essay questions to see which topics havent been tested. or externalities might not come out at all and national income comes out. who knows haha! there are two casestudies anyway(:
good luck guys.

it's amazing how i'm still feeling horrible, how i'm still thinking of her.
everything around me is still the same, i still go to school, lessons, exams, i still feel small standing beside the sea but it just isnt the same at all.
i go to bed every night thinking what had i done wrong and i realized i've been having these dreams about her, everytime i wake up trying to grab on to you and there is nothing there. Me covered in cold sweat, sometimes in tears, just being disillusional. turns out she wasnt in love with me like i thought.
i really want to tell someone about what's happening, but i have no one. i have friends but i always felt alone, maybe i'm ashamed or i just hate myself for what's happened that i couldnt even bring myself to tell anyone, not even the closest of friends.
after the break up, i looked at my phone more, thinking if i should sms her, hoping it would ring and see her message.
i remember everything that happened, everywhere we went everything we did. i really regret not having any pictures at all, the memories alone makes it feel so much worst.
i remember that funny dinner at that restaurant, we had dinner in silence and i tried to feed her.
she had the greatest smile, a face meant to smile i told her. i'd always walk her to the gate and looked at her, watched her walk in and stare at the gate for a while before leaving.
it always feels weird. this feeling everything i'm near her. and even weirder that my heart raced everytime our hands touched, no brushed each other. and that little hug that night alone felt like everything. no one would ever give me that feeling again.
all that's left now is the memories. this painful feeling deep inside.

it's strange that i would cry over movies, sometimes i'd cry in the night. many times people say things that makes me think of her.
everytime i'm on the bus and it passes her house, i'd look longingly, foolishly thinking i might catch a glimpse of her.
it's weird that people all would say time heals all wounds. because it seems at though the length of time just tramples on me even more. like it and everything else is mocking me.
now i'm left alone.
you know my birthday just passed and the only thing i was hoping for was an sms. but it never came.
yup i'm officially alone.

my heart's depressed everything is going wrong.
looking at the night sky, it seems that even the stars are crossed with me