hmm cant believe it. after all this while i still feel weak looking at her.
oh god can you just take it away. you've taken many things away from me why can you just take these feelings away?
i need help.
help me?

and talking to huiping about it just killed me again. can imagine doctors using the deflebrator to resuscitate me. *clear!* zap! and here i am again.

hmm today was quite a productive day revised the whole of stats hope things will be alright(:
working towards the As is really hard and i really mean As i wanna get As not Bs As for my subjects!
press on
dont give up
not now not after all this pain
do my best and show them(:
jiayou everyone(:

today's the school song recording.

went to school in the morning with only 2 hours of sleep to do the econs test. haha had a really wild night. anyway was suppose to do 3 essays for miss hazel's test but i only did 2. mind drained. and i think i did quite a good job on at least one of it haha 5 pages long not bad i must say(: then went to meet huiping for lunch with debbie too before choir started. haha!

i was tired and unfocused! needed sleep hahah!
well ben then came to join us and we had lunch.
choir practice after was okay haha i realised the choir is going backwards they are not improving at all haha in my opinion anyway.

we took a bus to the studio haha and on the way there it's the return of the oldies. the j1s were singing oldies. gosh! heal the world was the most repeated one. " there are people dying" haha hearing it more makes me depressed.

well we reached the recording studio and went straight to work. we were supposed to do two versions of the school song. one with the band and another with the piano.
we went in and rehearsed the song with the band's recording. it was then i realised i felt really uncomfortable there. my head was spinning and i felt really breatheless at first i thought it was the lack of sleep, but then one i'm out of the room i felt better. well the recording went on and on and we managed to finish the school song with the band's recording.
next was the piano one. haha the pianist was good. we had a good first take with a few mistakes, but as we progressed on we all felt drained and the standards dropped drastically. people were all unfocused and wrong notes everywhere.

hmm i kinda hate miss eunice. she never listens to what i have to say, kinda irritates me somewhat la. i think she thinks what i'm saying is bullshit or something haha! nevermind there wont be a need to talk to her anymore . that's one of the reasons i never talk to her about how i'm feeling in choir and stuff. "we're here for you" my foot, miss hazel's a better listener.
anyway after today i found out that i'm mildly claustrophobic haha! no other reason for it
we finished the recording finally at around 6.

we went back to school and me debbie and mushi left for dinner.
we went to bishan and ate, tagged along with debbie when she went to find a box for her friend's presents. haha! i got her to make potato salad for me! heehee!(: cool good food on tuesday!(:

i think sometimes people gotta realised who they treat as their friends. and realised that you dont have to do or act in a particular way as the crowd. it's kinda hypocratical after a while. one of the things i dont like. realise that you are special for who you are and not what you are becoming. <-- haha just a random thought nothing meant:P

heys
just had dinner with my parents at chomp chomp. haha was thinking about econs la. so obvious inflation causes price of stuff to increase but they also shrink the size.. haha
my family had to have 2 servings of almost everything when we used to have 1.
haha well yesterday was a full moon.
weird things happen on a full moon. weird things happen to me anyway haha!
i sank into a zen state of emo-ness.
was watching tv then i set this timer on the tv so that it will switch off on it own. yea but i was feeling really emo then i just sat there blankly thinking.
then the tv switch off and i still stood there blankly.
haha i think i was for quite somewhile until someone sms me.
hmm need to set my mind straight la. damn.

about 70 days to As and so totally unprepared.
today was a really tiring day.
went to school early in the morning with an empty stomach heh heh(: anyway yup 8am to take the math mock paper 1
so tiring cant do quite a few questions and didnt continue the complex numbers and vectors questions just havent studied them at all.
i think paper 2's coming soon dunno when but it'll kill me too haha didnt do any stats tutorials the WHOLE YEAR haha wonder how i survived the midyears

well next was econs timed practice.
case studies. we had to do two case studies.
it was really tiring. had to force myself even to lift up the pen. lesson learnt: never go to an exam with an empty stomach.
finish the 1st case but didnt do the last question properly coz i went into it with a wrong perception of the question wrote totally out of point.
felt too tired to continue the second one haha so i just gave up(:

when the case study ended it was already around 230 haha so freaking hungry la. went to the coffee shop to eat and saw suk lum and her friend there. gobbled up my food and then went straight back to school for consultation.
so that's about 3 hours of econs consultations we analyzed each member of the group's essay and find they good points and bad points. need to link up more. lazy brain! i scored the lowest in the group.
then we talk about social stuff like Sg's policy to appreciate the currency. haha good and bad too LR SR. woah haha quite interesting la. and funny how some people manage to memorize so many definitions and another all the figures in the papers haha!

lessons ended and helped miss hazel carry her stuff down. then she was telling me" must work hard you know, you can do it, dont give up yea"
with those words came a sudden sense of guilt. why didnt i finish doing up the case study sighs.

super tiring day la. super tiring day.
i hope i can make it for the As.
wondering how you're doing now..

LOL i had this really strange and weird dream. the funny part is i cant remember a huge chunk of it.
argh! my mind is really useless, no will power no brain power. cant even remember a dream. haha
well what i remember was i was with a girl in school and she was crying. the weird part is it's in my primary school. the school look deserted, quiet and ghostly. the girl was trembling and i did a stupid thing, i leaned over and kiss her, i hugged her. once again owing to my weak mind i cant remember the face.
i wonder what does this mean. sighs. weird dream.
just a few days back, i dreamt i took a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. but when i see the body on the floor it wasnt me. damn am i weird.
premunition? or just my mind playing tricks on me
(: well officially 77 days to As. the stress has set in already and i realised i'm still ill prepared. how? did 1 physics MCQ, a few math topics a few questions and 3 econs essay.
i'm too slow. i need to study faster! didnt meet my 10 essay quota this weekend sighs.
this week. aimed to finish studying for math and do at least 5 econs essay(: hope i can make it
jiayou everyone.
jiayou you(:

today's the eve of national day! haha and also the opening of the beijing olympics 08

we had celebrations in school today which was quite boring. it's like something the school did to meet the quota for NE haha.

it's like they crammed the year's amount of NE programme into the two hours.

the celebrations consists of a cultural dance. talking about the different races' dances. it was so lame btw it's like something they made up just to satisfy the people. and.. i slept through the whole thing(:

well i did see something. i came to the conclusion. some people are filled with too much arrogance, self centred-ness and biasness to have any bit of talent to dance such easy steps. I've always hated this guy in my class. he's from china and he's such an... well you can fill in the rest.

he treats people like dirt especailly his girlfriend who i think he's with just for her money. ahhh! shouldnt talk about him anymore the more i talk about him the more i want to punch that disgusting smile off his face(:

anyway then next one was poetry. which was more interesting. quite fun actually. haha i myself am quite fond of poetry and have written a few before haha but my talentless works are nothing to mention about. well the rythem, rhyme and reason was nice haha!

then the national day games. LOL so many choir members went up. and i realise something. i saw someone familiar. not familiar familiar but it's that feeling of similarity with someone else. she stand like her, talks like her, has the same expression as her AND!!! sings like her! oh my gosh.. so much alike.. maybe there's a relation with how you look and how you sound.. haha maybe that'll be my thesis paper next time!(:

then it was a soccer tournament later. haha we lost 2 games out of 3 but it was fun :D
tiring day. got my hair cut thin and trimmed it a bit hope it looks good when i style it yup(:
got consultation tomorrow. but before that i aimed to run in the morning before 11 yea!

hahah byes!
happy birthday singapore(:
81days to A levels(:

something strange happened today when i reached my block.

there is this vending machine that has candy and tidbits and whatnots in it and there there was an old man and two primary school girls.

Well my guess was that the old man was the father and the two girls his daughter seeing how he was carrying two bags on his shoulder.

something he was doing made me really uncomfortable.

he was looking at the vending machine and thinking whether to get that chocolate biscuit for his daughter who was pleading by his side.

Not to be mean but he didnt look well off, he's more like those unemployed middle aged uncles, in his overworn ensemble of tshirt and shorts and bald. he was wearing this face of remorse like he was being forced to do something he didnt want to.

obviously the food in the machine was expansive but having that great love for his daughter he bought it for her while the younger sibling kept quiet and waited for the snack.

haha i didnt stand there and stared at them or what to figure all this out la.. i got it all in the few seconds i look at them while i was walking by that area to the lift.

anyway i felt a sudden overwhelming sense of guilt and remorse, seeing how the father was willing, though reluctantly, gave up the money to give to his children. children are sometimes really devilish little critters. they dont understand the things that are happening around them, they lack that maturity in them. i was thinking about inflation and all that stuff and seeing how the father might be unemployed and all i wanted to go put in some coins to help the dad.

While waiting, i stood in front of the lift and pondered a while and decided to take a peak back at them and i saw that they are hitting the machine because the snack got stuck while it's being dispensed. what irony! how much more can life torture people. i kept thinking and thinking that suddenly i got so many feelings mixed up inside of me. on top of the guilt and remorse before now was sadness, self pity and of course loneliness. So much so that i just placed my bag down and fell to the bed and sleep.



maybe it's the lack of sleep these past few months that drained me. i thought i had all these feelings kept up nicely. haha! on the other hand i did feel a bit happy that i left the subway cookies sold today in school for my sisters.

today was like the worst day of school ever. it's not because of too much classes but because there was practically no tutorials at all. morning was econs lecture following that was geog which mr ng was not there and then math which mr leong wasnt there too so i practically had break from 9 to 130. i should have went home la and skip every remedial lessons. sighs.. most of which are a little waste of time. tired tired tired!


well the past few weeks were nice, didnt really do much work that i slack back on studying. didnt finish the math tutorial i was suppose to do neither did i do any revision. sighs. what's up with me. i kept playing yixuan's guitar. now i can do chords instantantly. A G E D C Am Em haha! still cant do F and B maybe my fingers are too fat and soft that the flesh on my pinky and 2nd finger couldnt press the strings hard enough. targeted songs to learn! haha [dui mian de nu hai] [collide][more than words] [your call by secondhand serenade] and [qing tian] only did the intro for some the rest i could go to the chorus


haha! how's that for a beginner(: wrong things to do during exam period!!





went out with godsis and her boyfriend. gosh she's being a bit weird la doing weird stuff sighs.. anyway had cakes!(: nice nice sweet (some with alcohol) cakes haha!


took pictures too!

took this while studying at cafe cartel(: half price cake tiramisu!(:

took this at gloria jeans tiramisu too(:

well life's a bit unbalanced now. hope i can balance out work and play.. too much play now!!(: